I WISHED I HAD SAID THAT !

I WISHED I HAD SAID THAT !

When I was active in my years of Human Resources Management, some of my interviews were with recent aspiring university graduates whose expectations where out of sync with market conditions, much like those described below.
The interviewers final response is perfect.   I wished I had said that!

Reaching the end of a job interview, the Human Resources Officer
asks a young engineer fresh out of the
Massachusetts Institute of Technology,

“And what starting salary are you looking for?”

The engineer replies.

“In the region of $125,000 a year, depending on the benefits package.”

The interviewer inquires.

“Well, what would you say to a package of  five weeks vacation,
4 paid holidays, full medical and dental, company matching retirement
fund to 50% of salary,and a company car leased every two years
say, a red Corvette?”

The engineer sits up straight and says,

“Wow! Are you kidding?”

The interviewer replies,

“Yeah, but you started it.”

JESUS IS WATCHING YOU !

JESUS IS WATCHING YOU !

A burglar broke into a house one night. He shined his flashlight around, looking for valuables when a voice in the dark said, “Jesus knows you’re here.”

He nearly jumped out of his skin, clicked his flashlight off, and froze. When he heard nothing more, after a bit, he shook his head and continued. Just as he pulled the stereo out so he could disconnect the wires, clear as a bell he heard “Jesus is watching you.”

Freaked out, he shined his light around frantically, looking for the source of the voice. Finally, in the corner of the room, his flashlight beam came to rest on a parrot.

“Did you say that?” he hissed at the parrot.

“Yep,” the parrot confessed, then squawked, “I’m just trying to warn you that Jesus is watching you.”

The burglar relaxed. “Warn me, huh? Who in the world are you?”

“Moses,” replied the bird.

“Moses?” the burglar laughed. “What kind of people would name a bird Moses?”

“The kind of people that would name a Rottweiler Jesus.”

FROM THE PERSONALS

FROM THE PERSONALS

SINGLE BLACK FEMALE.
SBF Seeks Male companionship, ethnicity unimportant.

I’m a svelte good looking girl who LOVES to play.
I love long walks in the woods.
Riding in your pickup truck.
Hunting
Camping
Fishing trips.
Cozy winter nights spent lying by the fire.
Candlelight dinners will have me eating out of your hand.
Rub me the right way and watch me respond.
I’ll be at the front door when you get home from
work, wearing only what nature gave me.
Kiss me and I’m yours.
Call 555-XXXX and ask for Daisy.

 

(The phone number was the Humane Society and
Daisy was an eight week old black Labrador Retriever.)
Conclusions based on assumptions expose presumption.

INFECTIOUS INFLECTIONS PART 3

INFECTIOUS INFLECTIONS PART 3

One more round on the English language, if you will !

There is a two-letter word that perhaps has more meanings
than any other two-letter word, and that is ‘UP.’
It’s easy to understand UP, meaning toward the sky
or at the top of the list, but when we awaken in the
morning, why do we wake UP ?

At a meeting, why does a topic come UP?

Why do we speak UP and why are the officers UP
for election and why is
it UP to the secretary to write UP a report?

We call UP our friends.

And we use it to brighten UP a room, polish UP the silver;
we warm UP the leftovers and clean UP the kitchen.

We lock UP the house and some guys fix UP the old car.

At other times the little word has real special meaning.

People stir UP trouble, line UP for tickets,
work UP an appetite, and think UP excuses.

To be dressed is one thing, but to be dressed UP is special.
A drain must be opened UP because it is stopped UP.
We open UP a store in the morning but we close it UP at night.

We seem to be pretty mixed UP about UP!

To be knowledgeable about the proper uses of UP,
look the word UP in the dictionary.
In a desk-sized dictionary, it takes UP almost 1/4th of the page
and can add UP to about thirty definitions.
If you are UP to it, you might try building UP a list of the
many ways UP is used.
It will take UP a lot of your time, but if you don’t give UP,
you may wind UP with a hundred or more.

When it threatens to rain, we say it is clouding UP.
When the sun comes out we say it is clearing UP.
When it rains, it wets the earth and often messes things UP.
When it doesn’t rain for awhile, things dry UP.

One could go on and on, but I’ll wrap it UP, for now my time is UP,
so……..it is time to shut UP!

Now it’s UP to you what you do with this information.

INFECTIOUS INFLECTIONS PART 2

INFECTIOUS INFLECTIONS PART 2

In Lewis Carroll’s classic “Alice’s Adventures in Wonderland” the question
Alice asks may be answered in this post.  You decide !

“When I use a word,” Humpty Dumpty said in rather a scornful tone,
“it means just what I choose it to mean — neither more nor less.”
“The question is,” said Alice, “whether you can make words mean
so many different things.”

1) The bandage was wound around the wound.

2) The farm was used to produce produce.

3) The dump was so full that it had to refuse more refuse.

4) We must polish the Polish furniture.

5) He could lead if he would get the lead out.

6) The soldier decided to desert his dessert in the desert.

7) Since there is no time like the present, he thought it was time to present the present.

8) A bass was painted on the head of the bass drum.

9) When shot at, the dove dove into the bushes.

10) I did not object to the object.

11) The insurance was invalid for the invalid.

12) There was a row among the oarsmen about how to row.

13) They were too close to the door to close it.

14) The buck does funny things when the does are present.

15) A seamstress and a sewer fell down into a sewer line.

16) To help with planting, the farmer taught his sow to sow.

17) The wind was too strong to wind the sail.

18) Upon seeing the tear in the painting I shed a tear..

19) I had to subject the subject to a series of tests.

20) How can I intimate this to my most intimate friend?

INFECTIOUS INFLECTIONS

INFECTIOUS INFLECTIONS

Let’s face it – English is a crazy language.

There is no egg in eggplant, nor ham in hamburger;
neither apple nor pine in pineapple.
English muffins weren’t invented in England or French fries in France .
Sweetmeats are candies while sweetbreads, which aren’t sweet, are meat.
We take English for granted. But if we explore its paradoxes,
we find that quicksand can work slowly, boxing rings are square and
a guinea pig is neither from Guinea nor is it a pig..

And why is it that writers write but fingers don’t fing,
grocers don’t groce and hammers don’t ham?
If the plural of tooth is teeth, why isn’t the plural of booth, beeth?
One goose, 2 geese. So one moose, 2 meese? One index, 2 indices?
Doesn’t it seem crazy that you can make amends but not one amend?
If you have a bunch of odds and ends and get rid of all but one of them,
what do you call it?

If teachers taught, why didn’t preachers praught? If a vegetarian eats vegetables,
what does a humanitarian eat?
In what language do people recite at a play and play at a recital?
Ship by truck and send cargo by ship? Have noses that run and feet that smell?
Sometimes I think all the English speakers
should be committed to an asylum for the verbally insane.

How can a slim chance and a fat chance be the same,
while a wise man and a wise guy are opposites?
You have to marvel at the unique lunacy of a language in
which your house can burn up as it burns down,
in which you fill in a form by filling it out and in which, an alarm goes off by going on.
English was invented by people, not computers, and it reflects the creativity
of the human race, which, of course, is not a race at all.
That is why, when the stars are out, they are visible,
but when the lights are out, they are invisible.

PS. – Why doesn’t ‘Buick’ rhyme with ‘quick’ ?

STAY PUT, YA HEAR

STAY PUT, YA HEAR

Several year ago at the Kansas City International Airport (KCI) I experienced this very same or very close to the same conversation between a ground controller and the commercial aircraft, but is wasn’t  a United plane.  I just wish I had had the presents of mind and  courage to say what the anonymous pilot said.

Read on !

During taxi, the crew of a US Air departure flight to Ft. Lauderdale made
a wrong turn and came nose to nose with a United 727. The irate ground
controller (a female) lashed out at the US Air crew screaming “US Air
2771, where are you going? I told you to turn right on Charlie taxi
way; you turned right on Delta. Stop right there.

I know it’s difficult to tell the difference between C’s and D’s but get it right”.
Continuing her lashing to the embarrassed crew, she was now shouting hysterically,
“God, you’ve screwed everything up; it’ll take forever to sort this out. You stay right
there and don’t move until I tell you to. You can expect progressive taxi
instructions in about a half hour and I want you to go exactly where I tell you,
when I tell you, and how I tell you. You got that, USAir 2771??”

The humbled crew responded: “Yes Ma’am”. Naturally, the ground control
frequency went terribly silent after the verbal bashing of US Air Flight
2771. No one wanted to engage the irate ground controller in her current state.
Tension in every cockpit at LGA was running high. Shortly after the controller
finished her admonishment of the U. S. Air crew, an unknown male pilot
broke the silence and asked:

“Wasn’t I married to you once?”

HOOKUP ?

HOOKUP ?

An elderly gentleman, very well dressed, (in his late 80’s) with hair well groomed,
great looking suit, flower in his lapel, smelling slightly of a good after shave,
presenting a well-cared for image, enters an upscale cocktail lounge.

Seated at the bar is an elderly lady (mid 80’s),
also well dressed, attractive and sitting alone.

The gentleman walks over, sits down beside her,
orders a drink, takes a sip, turns to her and says,

“So tell me, do I come here often?”