THREE-KICK-RULE ?

THREE-KICK-RULE ?

A big-city lawyer, from Washington, D.C., went duck hunting in the
South  Carolina Low country. He shot and dropped a bird,
but it fell in to a  farmer’s field on the other side of a fence.

As the lawyer climbed over the  fence,
an elderly farmer drove up on his tractor
and asked him what he was  doing.

The litigator  responded, “I shot a duck and it fell in this field,
and now I’m going in to retrieve it.”

The old farmer replied. “This is my  property,
and you are not coming over here.”

The indignant lawyer said,
“I am one of the best trial attorneys in the US
and if you don’t let me  get that duck,
I’ll sue you and take everything you own.”

The old farmer  smiled and said,
“Apparently, you don’t know how we do things in South  Carolina.
Down here we settle small disagreements with the Three-Kick Rule.”

The lawyer asked, “A Three Kick Rule. What is the Three-Kick Rule?”

The  Farmer replied.
“Well, first I kick you three times, and then you kick me  three times,
and so on, back and forth, until someone gives up.”

The attorney quickly thought about the proposed contest and
decided that he  could easily take the old codger.
He agreed to abide by the local custom.

The old farmer slowly climbed down from the tractor and walked up to the  city feller.
His first kick planted the toe of his heavy work boot into the  lawyer’s groin
and dropped him to his knees. His second kick nearly wiped  the man’s nose off his face.
The attorney was flat on his belly when the  farmer’s third kick to the kidney
area nearly caused him to give up. The  lawyer summoned every bit of his will,
managed to get to his feet, and  said, “Okay, you old coot, now it’s my turn.”
.
The old farmer smiled and said,
“Naw, I give up. You can have the duck.”

A DOG IS JUST A DOG UNLESS HE’S MY DOG

A DOG IS JUST A DOG UNLESS HE’S MY DOG

I’m not Jewish but I have severeal friends that are and they
like to visit Isreal and even some choose to retire there.
This story an example of that heritdary urge.

A Jewish woman wants to take her dog to Israel,
so she goes to the travel agent to find out how.

He says, “It’s easy. You go to the airline
they give you a kennel, you put your dog in it,
when you get off at Tel Aviv go to the luggage rack,
and there’s your dog.

So she does, gets off at Tel Aviv,
goes to the luggage rack, no dog.

She goes to the lost and found, says, “Where’s my dog?”

They look all over the airport for it, and find the dog in
another terminal. Only the dog is dead.

“Oh, my Gosh, they say, we killed this woman’s dog.
What are we going to do?”

Then one says, “Wait a minute, it’s a cockerspaniel.
They’re common dogs. There’s a pet shop across
the street from the airport. We’ll get the same size,
shape, color, sex. She’ll never know the difference.”

They bring the woman the other dog and she says,
“That’s not my dog.”

Laughingly and making light of it they say,
“What do you mean that’s not your dog?”

And she says, “My dog’s dead.
I was taking it to Israel to bury him.”

HOW IS NORMA ?

HOW IS NORMA ?

A sweet grandmother telephoned St. Joseph’s Hospital.
She timidly asked, “Is it possible to speak to someone who
can tell me how a patient is doing?”

The operator said,  “I’ll be glad to help, dear.
What’s the name and room number of the patient?”

The grandmother in her weak, tremulous voice said
“Norma Findlay, Room 302.”

The operator replied,
“Let me put you on hold while I check
with the nurse’s station for that room.”

After a few minutes, the operator returned to the phone and said,
“I have good news. Her nurse just told me that Norma is doing well.
Her blood pressure is fine; her blood work just came back normal.
She is scheduled  to be discharged tomorrow.”

The grandmother said, “Thank you.  That’s wonderful.
I was so worried. God bless you for the good news.”

The operator replied, “You’re more than welcome.
Is Norma your daughter?”

The grandmother said,
“No, I’m Norma Findlay in Room 302.
No one tells me shit.”

 

“ELEMENTARY, MY DEAR WATSON”

“ELEMENTARY, MY DEAR WATSON”

Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson were going camping.
They pitched their tent under the stars and went to sleep.

Sometime in the middle of the night Holmes woke Watson up and said
“Watson, look up at the stars, and tell me what you see.”

Watson replied: “I see millions and millions of stars.”

Holmes said: “and what do you deduce from that?”

Watson replied: “Well, if there are millions of stars,
and if even a few of those have planets, it’s quite likel
there are some planets like earth out there.
And if there are a few planets like earth out there,
there might also be life.”

And Holmes said:
“Watson, you idiot,
it means that somebody stole our tent.”

M0RNING BREAKFAST QUARTERBACK

M0RNING BREAKFAST QUARTERBACK

A wife was making a breakfast of fried eggs for her husband.

Suddenly, her husband burst into the kitchen.
‘Careful,’ he said, ‘CAREFUL! Put in some more butter!
Oh my gosh! You’re cooking too many at once. TOO MANY!

Turn them! TURN THEM NOW!We need more butter.
Oh my gosh! WHERE are we going to get MORE BUTTER?
They’re going to STICK! Careful. CAREFUL! I said be CAREFUL!

You NEVER listen to me when you’re cooking! Never! Turn them! Hurry up!
Are you CRAZY? Have you LOST your mind? Don’t forget to salt them.
You know you always forget to salt them. Use the salt. USE THE SALT! THE SALT!’

The wife stared at him.
‘What in the world is wrong with you?
You think I don’t know how to fry a couple of eggs?’

The husband calmly replied,

‘I just wanted to show you what it feels like when I’m driving.’

I WISHED I HAD SAID THAT !

I WISHED I HAD SAID THAT !

When I was active in my years of Human Resources Management, some of my interviews were with recent aspiring university graduates whose expectations where out of sync with market conditions, much like those described below.
The interviewers final response is perfect.   I wished I had said that!

Reaching the end of a job interview, the Human Resources Officer
asks a young engineer fresh out of the
Massachusetts Institute of Technology,

“And what starting salary are you looking for?”

The engineer replies.

“In the region of $125,000 a year, depending on the benefits package.”

The interviewer inquires.

“Well, what would you say to a package of  five weeks vacation,
4 paid holidays, full medical and dental, company matching retirement
fund to 50% of salary,and a company car leased every two years
say, a red Corvette?”

The engineer sits up straight and says,

“Wow! Are you kidding?”

The interviewer replies,

“Yeah, but you started it.”

JESUS IS WATCHING YOU !

JESUS IS WATCHING YOU !

A burglar broke into a house one night. He shined his flashlight around, looking for valuables when a voice in the dark said, “Jesus knows you’re here.”

He nearly jumped out of his skin, clicked his flashlight off, and froze. When he heard nothing more, after a bit, he shook his head and continued. Just as he pulled the stereo out so he could disconnect the wires, clear as a bell he heard “Jesus is watching you.”

Freaked out, he shined his light around frantically, looking for the source of the voice. Finally, in the corner of the room, his flashlight beam came to rest on a parrot.

“Did you say that?” he hissed at the parrot.

“Yep,” the parrot confessed, then squawked, “I’m just trying to warn you that Jesus is watching you.”

The burglar relaxed. “Warn me, huh? Who in the world are you?”

“Moses,” replied the bird.

“Moses?” the burglar laughed. “What kind of people would name a bird Moses?”

“The kind of people that would name a Rottweiler Jesus.”

FROM THE PERSONALS

FROM THE PERSONALS

SINGLE BLACK FEMALE.
SBF Seeks Male companionship, ethnicity unimportant.

I’m a svelte good looking girl who LOVES to play.
I love long walks in the woods.
Riding in your pickup truck.
Hunting
Camping
Fishing trips.
Cozy winter nights spent lying by the fire.
Candlelight dinners will have me eating out of your hand.
Rub me the right way and watch me respond.
I’ll be at the front door when you get home from
work, wearing only what nature gave me.
Kiss me and I’m yours.
Call 555-XXXX and ask for Daisy.

 

(The phone number was the Humane Society and
Daisy was an eight week old black Labrador Retriever.)
Conclusions based on assumptions expose presumption.

INFECTIOUS INFLECTIONS PART 3

INFECTIOUS INFLECTIONS PART 3

One more round on the English language, if you will !

There is a two-letter word that perhaps has more meanings
than any other two-letter word, and that is ‘UP.’
It’s easy to understand UP, meaning toward the sky
or at the top of the list, but when we awaken in the
morning, why do we wake UP ?

At a meeting, why does a topic come UP?

Why do we speak UP and why are the officers UP
for election and why is
it UP to the secretary to write UP a report?

We call UP our friends.

And we use it to brighten UP a room, polish UP the silver;
we warm UP the leftovers and clean UP the kitchen.

We lock UP the house and some guys fix UP the old car.

At other times the little word has real special meaning.

People stir UP trouble, line UP for tickets,
work UP an appetite, and think UP excuses.

To be dressed is one thing, but to be dressed UP is special.
A drain must be opened UP because it is stopped UP.
We open UP a store in the morning but we close it UP at night.

We seem to be pretty mixed UP about UP!

To be knowledgeable about the proper uses of UP,
look the word UP in the dictionary.
In a desk-sized dictionary, it takes UP almost 1/4th of the page
and can add UP to about thirty definitions.
If you are UP to it, you might try building UP a list of the
many ways UP is used.
It will take UP a lot of your time, but if you don’t give UP,
you may wind UP with a hundred or more.

When it threatens to rain, we say it is clouding UP.
When the sun comes out we say it is clearing UP.
When it rains, it wets the earth and often messes things UP.
When it doesn’t rain for awhile, things dry UP.

One could go on and on, but I’ll wrap it UP, for now my time is UP,
so……..it is time to shut UP!

Now it’s UP to you what you do with this information.