CHRISTMAS PLANNING, READY OR NOT !

CHRISTMAS PLANNING, READY OR NOT !

December 1st

TO:    ALL EMPLOYEES
I’m happy to inform you that the company Christmas Party will take place
on December 23rd at Luigi’s Open Pit Barbecue. There will be lots of
spiked eggnog and a small band playing traditional carols…feel free to sing
along. And don’t be surprised if our CEO shows up dressed as Santa
Claus to light the Christmas tree!.   Exchange of gifts among employees
can be done at that time; however, no gift should be over $10.

Merry Christmas to you and your family.
Patty Lewis
Human Resources Director

December 2nd

TO:    ALL EMPLOYEES
In no way was yesterday’s memo intended to exclude our Jewish employees.
We recognize that Hanukkah is an important holiday that often coincides with
Christmas (though unfortunately not this year). However, from now on we’re
calling it our “Holiday Party.”  The same policy applies to employees who are
celebrating Kwanzaa at this time. There will be no Christmas tree and no
Christmas carols sung.

Happy Holidays to you and your family.
Patty Lewis
Human Resources Director

December 3rd

TO:    ALL EMPLOYEES
Regarding the anonymous note I received from a member of Alcoholics
Anonymous requesting a non-drinking table, I’m happy to accommodate this
request, but, don’t forget, if I put a sign on the table that reads, “AA Only,”
you won’t be anonymous anymore. In addition, forget about the gifts exchange
-no gifts will be allowed since the union members feel that $10 is too much money.

Patty Lewis
Human Researchers Director

December 7th

TO:    ALL EMPLOYEES
I’ve arranged for members of Overeaters Anonymous to sit farthest from the
desert buffet and pregnant women closest to the restrooms. Gays are allowed
to sit with each other. Lesbians do not have to sit with the gay men; each will
have their table.  Yes, there will be a flower arrangement for the gay men’s table.
Happy now?

Patty Lewis
Human Racehorses Director

December 9th

TO:    ALL EMPLOYEES
People, people-nothing sinister was intended by wanting our CEO to play
Santa Claus!  Even if the anagram of “Santa” does happen to be “Satan,”
there is no evil connotation to our own “little man in a red suit.”

Patty Lewis
Human Rat Races Director

December 10th

TO:    ALL EMPLOYEES
Vegetarians-I’ve had it with you people!! We’re going to hold this
party at Luigi’s Open Pit whether you like it or not, you can just sit at the table
farthest from the “grill of death,” as you put it, and you’ll get salad bar only,
including hydroponic tomatoes. But, you know, tomatoes have feelings, too.
They scream when you slice them.   I’ve heard them scream. I’m hearing
them right now…  Ha!  I hope you all have a rotten holiday! Drive drunk and
die, you hear me?

The B $@ *h from Hell

December 14th

TO:    ALL EMPLOYEES
I’m sure I speak for all of us in wishing Patty Lewis a speedy recovery
from her stress-related illness. I’ll continue to forward your cards to her at
the hospital. In the meantime, management has decided to cancel the
Holiday Party and give everyone the afternoon of the 23rd off with full pay.
Happy Holidays!

Terri Bishop
Acting Human Resources Director

UNDER THE CIRCUMSTANCES

UNDER THE CIRCUMSTANCES

toma

An old Italian gentleman lived alone in New Jersey . He wanted to plant his annual
tomato garden, but it was very difficult work, as the ground was hard.
His only son, Vincent, who used to help him, was in prison. The old man
wrote a letter to his son and described his predicament:

Dear Vincent,
I am feeling pretty sad because it looks like I won’t be able to plant my
tomato garden this year. I’m just getting too old to be digging up a garden
plot. I know if you were here my troubles would be over. I know you would
be happy to dig the plot for me, like in the old days.
Love,
Papa

A few days later he received a letter from his son.

Dear Papa,
Don’t dig up that garden. That’s where the bodies are buried.
Love,
Vinnie

At 4 a.m. the next morning, FBI agents and local police arrived and dug up
the entire area without finding any bodies. They apologized to the old man
and left. That same day the old man received another letter from his son.

Dear Papa,
Go ahead and plant the tomatoes now. That’s the best I could do under the circumstances.
Love you,
Vinnie

Bad Bird

Bad Bird

BAD BIRD

A young man received a parrot as a gift. The parrot had a bad attitude
and an even worse vocabulary.

Every word out of the bird’s mouth was rude, obnoxious and laced with
profanity.  John tried and tried to change the bird’s attitude by consistently
saying only polite words, playing soft music and anything  else he could
think of to ‘clean up’ the bird’s vocabulary.

Finally, John was fed up and he yelled at the parrot.  The parrot yelled
back. John shook the parrot and the parrot got angrier and even more rude.
John, in desperation, threw up his hand, grabbed the bird and put him in the
freezer. For a few minutes the parrot squawked and kicked and screamed.

Then suddenly there was total quiet. Not a peep was heard for over a
minute.  Fearing that he’d hurt the parrot, John quickly opened the door
to the freezer. The parrot calmly stepped out onto John’s outstretched arms
and  said ” I  believe I may have offended you with my rude language and
actions. I’m sincerely remorseful for my inappropriate transgressions and I
fully intend to do everything I can to correct my rude and unforgivable
behavior.”

John was stunned at the change in the bird’s attitude.  As he was about to
ask the parrot what had made such a dramatic change in  his behavior, the
bird spoke-up, very softly, “May I ask what the turkey did wrong?”

 

HAVE A HAPPY THANKSGIVING!!!

GAFFAW TALK

GAFFAW TALK

  Old adage

 “It is always better to engage your  brain before stepping on the
accelerator of your mouth.”
I think most of us have figured this out.

Apparently not.

Question: If you could live forever, would you and why?
Answer: “I would not live forever, because we should not live forever,
because if we were supposed to live forever, then we would live forever,
but we cannot live forever, which is why I would not live forever,”
Miss Alabama in the 1994 Miss USA contest.

“Whenever I watch TV and see those poor starving kids
all over the world, I can’t help but cry. I mean I’d love to be skinny like that,
but not with all those flies and death and stuff.”
Mariah Carey

“Smoking kills. If you’re killed, you’ve lost a very important part of your life,”
Brooke Shields, during an interview to become spokesperson for
             federal anti-smoking campaign.

“I’ve never had major knee surgery on any other part of my body,”
Winston Bennett, University of Kentucky basketball forward.

“Outside of the killings, Washington has one of the lowest crime rates in the country.”
              Mayor Marion Barry, Washington, DC.

“I’m not going to have some reporters pawing through our papers.
We are the president.”
Hillary Clinton commenting on the release of subpoenaed documents.

“That lowdown scoundrel deserves to be kicked to death by a jackass,
and I’m just the one to do it,”
A congressional candidate in Texas.

“I don’t feel we did wrong in taking this great country away from them.
There were great numbers of people who needed new land,
and the Indians were selfishly trying to keep it for themselves.”
John Wayne

“Half this game is ninety percent mental.”
Philadelphia Phillies manager, Danny Ozark

“It isn’t pollution that’s harming the environment. It’s the impurities
in our air and water that are doing it.”
Al Gore, Vice President

“I love California. I practically grew up in Phoenix.”
Dan Quayle

” It’s no exaggeration to say that the undecideds could go one way or another”
George Bush, US President

“We’ve got to pause and ask ourselves: How much clean air do we need?”
Lee Iacocca

“I was provided with additional input that was radically different from the truth.
I assisted in furthering that version,”
Colonel Oliver North, from his Iran-Contra testimony.

“The word “genius” isn’t applicable in football. A genius is a guy like Norman Einstein,”
 Joe Theisman, NFL football quarterback &sports analyst.

“We don’t necessarily discriminate. We simply exclude certain types of people.”
Colonel Gerald Wellman, ROTC Instructor.

“If we don’t succeed, we run the risk of failure.”
Bill Clinton, President

“We are ready for an unforeseen event that may or may not occur.”
Al Gore, VP

“Your food stamps will be stopped effective March
1992 because we received notice that you passed away.
May God bless you. You may reapply if there is a change
in your circumstances.”
Department of Social Services, Greenville, South Carolina

“If somebody has a bad heart, they can plug this jack in at night as they go to bed
and it will monitor their heart throughout the night. And the next morning, when they
wake up dead, there’ll be a record.”
Mark S. Fowler, FCC Chairman

 

See what I mean.

 

LET’S ALL GET TOGETHER

LET’S ALL GET TOGETHER

FABLE OF THE PORCUPINE

pporcupine

It was the coldest winter ever.  Many animals died because of the
cold.  The porcupines, realizing the situation, decided
to group together.  This way they covered and protected
themselves; but the quills of each one wounded their closest
companions even though they gave off heat to each other.

After awhile, they decided to distance themselves one
from the other and they began to die, alone and frozen.
So they had to make a choice: Either accept the quills of
their companions or disappear from the Earth.  Wisely,
they decided to go back to being together.  This way they
learned to live with the little wounds that were caused by the
close relationship with their companion, but the most
important part of it, was the heat that came from the others.
This way they were able to survive.
Moral of the   story:

The best relationship is not the one that brings together perfect

people, but the best is when each individual  learns to live

with the imperfections of others and can admire  the other person’s good qualities.

LEARN TO LOVE THE PRICKS IN YOUR LIFE.

CELA-WHAT ?

CELA-WHAT ?

A young monk arrives at the monastery. He is assigned

to helping the other monks in copying the old canons

and laws of the church by hand.

1

He notices, however, that all of the monks are  copying from copies,

not from the original manuscript. So, the new monk goes to the

Old Abbot to question this, pointing out that if someone made

even a small error in the first copy, it would never be picked up!

In fact, that error would be continued in all of the subsequent copies.

        The old Abbot, says, “We have been copying from

the copies for centuries, but you make a

good point, my son.”

2

He goes down into the dark caves underneath the

monastery where the original manuscripts are held as archives,

in a locked vault that hasn’t been opened

for hundreds of years.

3

Hours go by and nobody sees the old Abbot.

So, the young monk gets worried and goes down to look for him.

4

He sees him banging his head against the wall and wailing.

 His forehead is all bloody and bruised and he is crying uncontrollably.

The young monk asks the old Abbot, “What’s wrong, father?”

“We missed the R! We missed the R!

We missed the R!

5

With a choking voice, the old Abbot replies,

The word was…CELEBRATE!”

 

 

RULES OF THE AIR

RULES OF THE AIR

 

 

RULES OF THE AIR

 

Having flown a single engine general aviation aircraft for a little more than 1,000 hours in my younger years, I can attest to the accuracy of these rules. They are not only rules of the airways but, when set in a humors context, memorable.

Even if you are not a pilot you will ‘get’ them. Have fun!

  • Every takeoff is optional. Every landing is mandatory.
  • If you push the stick forward, the houses get bigger. If you pull the stick back, they get smaller. That is, unless you keep pulling the stick all the way back, then they get bigger again.
  • Flying isn’t dangerous. Crashing is what’s dangerous.
  • The ONLY time you have too much fuel is when you’re on fire.
  • When in doubt, hold on to your altitude. No-one has ever collided with the sky.
  • A ‘good’ landing is one from which you can walk away. A ‘great’ landing is one after which they can use the plane again.
  • You know you’ve landed with the wheels up if it takes full power to taxi to the ramp.
  • Never let an aircraft take you somewhere your brain didn’t get to five minutes earlier.
  • Always try to keep the number of landings you make equal to the number of takeoffs you’ve made.
  • In the ongoing battle between objects made of aluminum going hundreds of miles per hour and the ground going zero miles per hour, the ground has yet to lose.
  • It’s always a good idea to keep the pointy end going forward as much as possible.
  • Remember, gravity is not just a good idea. It’s the law. And it’s not subject to repeal.
  • The three most useless things to a pilot are the altitude above you, runway behind you and a tenth of a second ago.
  • Keep looking around. There’s always something you’ve missed.
Perception Is All There Is !

Perception Is All There Is !

The world we create is a construct of the explanations we use to describe our perceptions of our experiences.  This baptism event is the same experience for the child, clergy and the family. Yet each explanation of that experience is, or could be, entirely different.

What???

It’s a wonder why we don’t laugh at most everything, isn’t it?

POLITICAL APHORISMS

POLITICAL APHORISMS

Aphorism

A pithy observation that contains a general truth.

We hang the petty thieves and appoint the  great ones to public office. ~Aesop~

If we got one-tenth of what was promised to us in these State of the Union speeches there wouldn’t be any inducement to go to heaven. ~Will Rogers~

Politicians are the same all over. They promise to build a bridge even where there is no river. ~Nikita Khrushchev~

When I was a boy I was told that anybody could become President; I’m beginning to
believe it. ~Clarence Darrow~

Politicians are people who, when they see light at the end of the tunnel, go out and buy some more tunnel. ~John Quinton~

Politics is the gentle art of getting votes from the poor and campaign
funds from the rich, by promising to protect each from the other.
~Oscar Ameringer~

I offer my opponents a bargain: if they will stop telling lies about us, I will stop
telling the truth about them. ~Adlai Stevenson~ speech, 1952~

A politician is a fellow who will lay down your life for his country.
~ Tex Guinan~

I have come to the conclusion that politics is too serious a matter to be left to the
politicians. ~Charles de Gaulle~

Instead of giving a politician the keys to the city, it might be better to change the
locks. ~Doug Larson~

There ought to be one day — just one — when there is open season on Congressmen.
~Will Rogers~

If you want a real friend that you can trust in Washington, get a dog.
~Harry Truman~

Having a good friend is important!

Having a good friend is important!

 


When they were young lads, Brian and Greg walked into a pharmacy in Belleville one day, picked out a box of tampons and proceeded to the checkout counter.  

The pharmacist at the counter asked Brian, “Son, how old are you?” 

“Eight”,  Brian replied. The man continued, “Do you know what these are used for?” 

Brian replied, “Not exactly, but they aren’t for me.  They’re for Greg.  He’s my best friend.  He’s four.” 

“Oh, really?” the pharmacist replied with a grin. “Yes.”  Brian said.  “We saw on TV that if you use these, you would be able to swim, play tennis and ride a bike. Right now, he can’t do none of that.”