STAY PUT, YA HEAR

STAY PUT, YA HEAR

Several year ago at the Kansas City International Airport (KCI) I experienced this very same or very close to the same conversation between a ground controller and the commercial aircraft, but is wasn’t  a United plane.  I just wish I had had the presents of mind and  courage to say what the anonymous pilot said.

Read on !

During taxi, the crew of a US Air departure flight to Ft. Lauderdale made
a wrong turn and came nose to nose with a United 727. The irate ground
controller (a female) lashed out at the US Air crew screaming “US Air
2771, where are you going? I told you to turn right on Charlie taxi
way; you turned right on Delta. Stop right there.

I know it’s difficult to tell the difference between C’s and D’s but get it right”.
Continuing her lashing to the embarrassed crew, she was now shouting hysterically,
“God, you’ve screwed everything up; it’ll take forever to sort this out. You stay right
there and don’t move until I tell you to. You can expect progressive taxi
instructions in about a half hour and I want you to go exactly where I tell you,
when I tell you, and how I tell you. You got that, USAir 2771??”

The humbled crew responded: “Yes Ma’am”. Naturally, the ground control
frequency went terribly silent after the verbal bashing of US Air Flight
2771. No one wanted to engage the irate ground controller in her current state.
Tension in every cockpit at LGA was running high. Shortly after the controller
finished her admonishment of the U. S. Air crew, an unknown male pilot
broke the silence and asked:

“Wasn’t I married to you once?”

HOOKUP ?

HOOKUP ?

An elderly gentleman, very well dressed, (in his late 80’s) with hair well groomed,
great looking suit, flower in his lapel, smelling slightly of a good after shave,
presenting a well-cared for image, enters an upscale cocktail lounge.

Seated at the bar is an elderly lady (mid 80’s),
also well dressed, attractive and sitting alone.

The gentleman walks over, sits down beside her,
orders a drink, takes a sip, turns to her and says,

“So tell me, do I come here often?”

CHRISTMAS LITE

CHRISTMAS LITE

HERE’S A COUPLE OF OLDIES THAT I STILL CHUCKLE AT.

HAVE A VERRY MERRY CHRISTMAS !

Three Wise Women

Do you know what would have happened if there
had been Three Wise WOMEN instead of Three Wise MEN?

The WOMEN would have:

– Asked directions,
– Arrived on time,
– Helped deliver the baby,
– Cleaned the stable,
– Made a casserole, and
– Brought practical gifts (like diapers!)

It was a cold and misty Christmas morning in the very depth of Winter after a heavy fall of snow and only one farmer, who was also the churchs custodian, and the minister managed to arrive at the church for the morning service.

“Well”, said the clergyman “’I guess there’s no point in having a service today, is there?”

“Well that’s not how I see it,” said the farmer. “If only one cow turns up at feeding time, I still feed it.’

The minister  got the message and  proceeded to conduct the usual Christmas morning service.  After
the service was over the minister asked the farmer what he thought.

“Well, when only one cow turns up at feeding time, I always feed it, but I don’t give it the full load.”

“DARK AND STORMY NIGHT CONTEST”

“DARK AND STORMY NIGHT CONTEST”

This year’s 10 winners of the Bulwer-Lytton contest, aka “Dark and
    Stormy Night Contest” (run by the English Dept. of San Jose State
    University), wherein one writes only the first line of a bad  novel:

10)    “As a scientist, Throckmorton knew that if he were ever
to break wind in the echo chamber, he would never
hear the end of it.”

9)     “Just beyond the Narrows, the river widens.”

8)    “With a curvaceous figure that Venus would have envied, a
tanned, unblemished oval face framed with lustrous thick
brown hair,  deep azure-blue eyes fringed with long black
lashes, perfect teeth that vied for competition, and a small
straight nose, Marilee had a beauty that defied description.”

7)  “Andre, a simple peasant, had only one thing on his mind
as he crept along the East wall: ‘Andre creep… Andre creep
… Andre creep.'”

6)  “Stanislaus Smedley, a man always on the cutting edge of
narcissism, was about to give his body and soul to a back
alley sex-change surgeon to become the woman he loved.”

5)  “Although Sarah had an abnormal fear of mice, it did not
keep her from eeking out a living at a local pet store.”

4)  “Stanley looked quite bored and somewhat detached, but
then penguins often do.”

3)  “Like an over-ripe beefsteak tomato rimmed with cottage
cheese, the corpulent remains of Santa Claus lay dead

on the hotel floor.”

2)  “Mike Hardware was the kind of private eye who didn’t know
the meaning of the word ‘fear’; a man who could laugh in the
face of danger and spit in the eye of death — in short, a
moron with suicidal tendencies.”

AND THE WINNER IS…

1) “The sun oozed over the horizon, shoved aside darkness,
crept along the greensward, and, with sickly fingers,
pushed through the castle  window, revealing the pillaged
princess, hand at throat, crown asunder, gaping in frenzied
horror at the sated, sodden amphibian lying beside her,
disbelieving the magnitude of the frog’s deception, screaming
madly, ‘You lied!”

CHRISTMAS PLANNING, READY OR NOT !

CHRISTMAS PLANNING, READY OR NOT !

December 1st

TO:    ALL EMPLOYEES
I’m happy to inform you that the company Christmas Party will take place
on December 23rd at Luigi’s Open Pit Barbecue. There will be lots of
spiked eggnog and a small band playing traditional carols…feel free to sing
along. And don’t be surprised if our CEO shows up dressed as Santa
Claus to light the Christmas tree!.   Exchange of gifts among employees
can be done at that time; however, no gift should be over $10.

Merry Christmas to you and your family.
Patty Lewis
Human Resources Director

December 2nd

TO:    ALL EMPLOYEES
In no way was yesterday’s memo intended to exclude our Jewish employees.
We recognize that Hanukkah is an important holiday that often coincides with
Christmas (though unfortunately not this year). However, from now on we’re
calling it our “Holiday Party.”  The same policy applies to employees who are
celebrating Kwanzaa at this time. There will be no Christmas tree and no
Christmas carols sung.

Happy Holidays to you and your family.
Patty Lewis
Human Resources Director

December 3rd

TO:    ALL EMPLOYEES
Regarding the anonymous note I received from a member of Alcoholics
Anonymous requesting a non-drinking table, I’m happy to accommodate this
request, but, don’t forget, if I put a sign on the table that reads, “AA Only,”
you won’t be anonymous anymore. In addition, forget about the gifts exchange
-no gifts will be allowed since the union members feel that $10 is too much money.

Patty Lewis
Human Researchers Director

December 7th

TO:    ALL EMPLOYEES
I’ve arranged for members of Overeaters Anonymous to sit farthest from the
desert buffet and pregnant women closest to the restrooms. Gays are allowed
to sit with each other. Lesbians do not have to sit with the gay men; each will
have their table.  Yes, there will be a flower arrangement for the gay men’s table.
Happy now?

Patty Lewis
Human Racehorses Director

December 9th

TO:    ALL EMPLOYEES
People, people-nothing sinister was intended by wanting our CEO to play
Santa Claus!  Even if the anagram of “Santa” does happen to be “Satan,”
there is no evil connotation to our own “little man in a red suit.”

Patty Lewis
Human Rat Races Director

December 10th

TO:    ALL EMPLOYEES
Vegetarians-I’ve had it with you people!! We’re going to hold this
party at Luigi’s Open Pit whether you like it or not, you can just sit at the table
farthest from the “grill of death,” as you put it, and you’ll get salad bar only,
including hydroponic tomatoes. But, you know, tomatoes have feelings, too.
They scream when you slice them.   I’ve heard them scream. I’m hearing
them right now…  Ha!  I hope you all have a rotten holiday! Drive drunk and
die, you hear me?

The B $@ *h from Hell

December 14th

TO:    ALL EMPLOYEES
I’m sure I speak for all of us in wishing Patty Lewis a speedy recovery
from her stress-related illness. I’ll continue to forward your cards to her at
the hospital. In the meantime, management has decided to cancel the
Holiday Party and give everyone the afternoon of the 23rd off with full pay.
Happy Holidays!

Terri Bishop
Acting Human Resources Director

UNDER THE CIRCUMSTANCES

UNDER THE CIRCUMSTANCES

toma

An old Italian gentleman lived alone in New Jersey . He wanted to plant his annual
tomato garden, but it was very difficult work, as the ground was hard.
His only son, Vincent, who used to help him, was in prison. The old man
wrote a letter to his son and described his predicament:

Dear Vincent,
I am feeling pretty sad because it looks like I won’t be able to plant my
tomato garden this year. I’m just getting too old to be digging up a garden
plot. I know if you were here my troubles would be over. I know you would
be happy to dig the plot for me, like in the old days.
Love,
Papa

A few days later he received a letter from his son.

Dear Papa,
Don’t dig up that garden. That’s where the bodies are buried.
Love,
Vinnie

At 4 a.m. the next morning, FBI agents and local police arrived and dug up
the entire area without finding any bodies. They apologized to the old man
and left. That same day the old man received another letter from his son.

Dear Papa,
Go ahead and plant the tomatoes now. That’s the best I could do under the circumstances.
Love you,
Vinnie

Bad Bird

Bad Bird

BAD BIRD

A young man received a parrot as a gift. The parrot had a bad attitude
and an even worse vocabulary.

Every word out of the bird’s mouth was rude, obnoxious and laced with
profanity.  John tried and tried to change the bird’s attitude by consistently
saying only polite words, playing soft music and anything  else he could
think of to ‘clean up’ the bird’s vocabulary.

Finally, John was fed up and he yelled at the parrot.  The parrot yelled
back. John shook the parrot and the parrot got angrier and even more rude.
John, in desperation, threw up his hand, grabbed the bird and put him in the
freezer. For a few minutes the parrot squawked and kicked and screamed.

Then suddenly there was total quiet. Not a peep was heard for over a
minute.  Fearing that he’d hurt the parrot, John quickly opened the door
to the freezer. The parrot calmly stepped out onto John’s outstretched arms
and  said ” I  believe I may have offended you with my rude language and
actions. I’m sincerely remorseful for my inappropriate transgressions and I
fully intend to do everything I can to correct my rude and unforgivable
behavior.”

John was stunned at the change in the bird’s attitude.  As he was about to
ask the parrot what had made such a dramatic change in  his behavior, the
bird spoke-up, very softly, “May I ask what the turkey did wrong?”

 

HAVE A HAPPY THANKSGIVING!!!

GAFFAW TALK

GAFFAW TALK

  Old adage

 “It is always better to engage your  brain before stepping on the
accelerator of your mouth.”
I think most of us have figured this out.

Apparently not.

Question: If you could live forever, would you and why?
Answer: “I would not live forever, because we should not live forever,
because if we were supposed to live forever, then we would live forever,
but we cannot live forever, which is why I would not live forever,”
Miss Alabama in the 1994 Miss USA contest.

“Whenever I watch TV and see those poor starving kids
all over the world, I can’t help but cry. I mean I’d love to be skinny like that,
but not with all those flies and death and stuff.”
Mariah Carey

“Smoking kills. If you’re killed, you’ve lost a very important part of your life,”
Brooke Shields, during an interview to become spokesperson for
             federal anti-smoking campaign.

“I’ve never had major knee surgery on any other part of my body,”
Winston Bennett, University of Kentucky basketball forward.

“Outside of the killings, Washington has one of the lowest crime rates in the country.”
              Mayor Marion Barry, Washington, DC.

“I’m not going to have some reporters pawing through our papers.
We are the president.”
Hillary Clinton commenting on the release of subpoenaed documents.

“That lowdown scoundrel deserves to be kicked to death by a jackass,
and I’m just the one to do it,”
A congressional candidate in Texas.

“I don’t feel we did wrong in taking this great country away from them.
There were great numbers of people who needed new land,
and the Indians were selfishly trying to keep it for themselves.”
John Wayne

“Half this game is ninety percent mental.”
Philadelphia Phillies manager, Danny Ozark

“It isn’t pollution that’s harming the environment. It’s the impurities
in our air and water that are doing it.”
Al Gore, Vice President

“I love California. I practically grew up in Phoenix.”
Dan Quayle

” It’s no exaggeration to say that the undecideds could go one way or another”
George Bush, US President

“We’ve got to pause and ask ourselves: How much clean air do we need?”
Lee Iacocca

“I was provided with additional input that was radically different from the truth.
I assisted in furthering that version,”
Colonel Oliver North, from his Iran-Contra testimony.

“The word “genius” isn’t applicable in football. A genius is a guy like Norman Einstein,”
 Joe Theisman, NFL football quarterback &sports analyst.

“We don’t necessarily discriminate. We simply exclude certain types of people.”
Colonel Gerald Wellman, ROTC Instructor.

“If we don’t succeed, we run the risk of failure.”
Bill Clinton, President

“We are ready for an unforeseen event that may or may not occur.”
Al Gore, VP

“Your food stamps will be stopped effective March
1992 because we received notice that you passed away.
May God bless you. You may reapply if there is a change
in your circumstances.”
Department of Social Services, Greenville, South Carolina

“If somebody has a bad heart, they can plug this jack in at night as they go to bed
and it will monitor their heart throughout the night. And the next morning, when they
wake up dead, there’ll be a record.”
Mark S. Fowler, FCC Chairman

 

See what I mean.

 

LET’S ALL GET TOGETHER

LET’S ALL GET TOGETHER

FABLE OF THE PORCUPINE

pporcupine

It was the coldest winter ever.  Many animals died because of the
cold.  The porcupines, realizing the situation, decided
to group together.  This way they covered and protected
themselves; but the quills of each one wounded their closest
companions even though they gave off heat to each other.

After awhile, they decided to distance themselves one
from the other and they began to die, alone and frozen.
So they had to make a choice: Either accept the quills of
their companions or disappear from the Earth.  Wisely,
they decided to go back to being together.  This way they
learned to live with the little wounds that were caused by the
close relationship with their companion, but the most
important part of it, was the heat that came from the others.
This way they were able to survive.
Moral of the   story:

The best relationship is not the one that brings together perfect

people, but the best is when each individual  learns to live

with the imperfections of others and can admire  the other person’s good qualities.

LEARN TO LOVE THE PRICKS IN YOUR LIFE.

CELA-WHAT ?

CELA-WHAT ?

A young monk arrives at the monastery. He is assigned

to helping the other monks in copying the old canons

and laws of the church by hand.

1

He notices, however, that all of the monks are  copying from copies,

not from the original manuscript. So, the new monk goes to the

Old Abbot to question this, pointing out that if someone made

even a small error in the first copy, it would never be picked up!

In fact, that error would be continued in all of the subsequent copies.

        The old Abbot, says, “We have been copying from

the copies for centuries, but you make a

good point, my son.”

2

He goes down into the dark caves underneath the

monastery where the original manuscripts are held as archives,

in a locked vault that hasn’t been opened

for hundreds of years.

3

Hours go by and nobody sees the old Abbot.

So, the young monk gets worried and goes down to look for him.

4

He sees him banging his head against the wall and wailing.

 His forehead is all bloody and bruised and he is crying uncontrollably.

The young monk asks the old Abbot, “What’s wrong, father?”

“We missed the R! We missed the R!

We missed the R!

5

With a choking voice, the old Abbot replies,

The word was…CELEBRATE!”