Are you a monk?

Are you a monk?

A man is driving down the road and his car breaks down near a monastery. He goes to the monastery, knocks on the door, and says, “My car broke down. Do you think I could stay the night?”
The monks graciously accept him, feed him dinner, even fix his car. As the man tries to fall asleep, he hears a strange sound. A sound unlike anything he’s ever heard before. The Sirens that nearly seduced Odysseus into crashing his ship comes to his mind. He doesn’t sleep that night. He tosses and turns trying to figure out what could possibly be making such a seductive sound.
The next morning, he asks the monks what the sound was, but they say, “We can’t tell you. You’re not a monk.” Distraught, the man is forced to leave.

Years later, after never being able to forget that sound, the man goes back to the monastery and pleads for the answer again.
The monks reply, “We can’t tell you. You’re not a monk.”
The man says, “If the only way I can find out what is making that beautiful sound is to become a monk, then please, make me a monk.”
The monks reply, “You must travel the earth and tell us how many blades of grass there are and the exact number of grains of sand. When you find these answers, you will have become a monk.”
The man sets about his task.

After years of searching he returns as a gray-haired old man and knocks on the door of the monastery. A monk answers. He is taken before a gathering of all the monks.
“In my quest to find what makes that beautiful sound, I traveled the earth and have found what you asked for: By design, the world is in a state of perpetual change. Only God knows what you ask. All a man can know is himself, and only then if he is honest and reflective and willing to strip away self deception.”
The monks reply, “Congratulations. You have become a monk. We shall now show you the way to the mystery of the sacred sound.”
The monks lead the man to a wooden door, where the head monk says, “The sound is beyond that door.”
The monks give him the key, and he opens the door. Behind the wooden door is another door made of stone. The man is given the key to the stone door and he opens it, only to find a door made of ruby. And so it went that he needed keys to doors of emerald, pearl and diamond.
Finally, they come to a door made of solid gold. The sound has become very clear and definite. The monks say, “This is the last key to the last door.”
The man is apprehensive to no end. His life’s wish is behind that door!
With trembling hands, he unlocks the door, turns the knob, and slowly pushes the door open. Falling to his knees, he is utterly amazed to discover the source of that haunting and seductive sound…







But, of course, I can’t tell you what it is because you’re not a monk.

MODERN DAY HEROS

MODERN DAY HEROS

A blonde decides to try horseback riding,
even though she has had no lessons or prior experience.

She mounts the horse unassisted and the horse immediately
springs into motion. It gallops along at a steady and rhythmic
pace but the blond begins to slip from the saddle. In terror,
she grabs for the horse’s mane, but cannot seem to
get a firm grip.

She tries to throw her arms around the horse’s neck,
but she slides down the side of the horse anyway.
The horse gallops along, seemingly ignorant of its
slipping rider.

Finally, giving up her frail grip, the blonde attempts to leap
away from the horse and throw herself to safety.
Unfortunately, her foot becomes entangled in the stirrup,
and she is now at the mercy of the horse’s pounding
hooves as her head is struck against the ground over and over.

As her head is battered against the ground, she is mere
moments away from unconsciousness when to her great fortune,

Bobby, the Wal-Mart greeter, sees her and unplugs the horse.

Thank God for heroes  like Bobby.

SOME MEDICAL DEFINITIONS ?

SOME MEDICAL DEFINITIONS ?

  Benign…………… What you be, after you be eight.

  Barium ………….. What doctors do when patients die.

 

  Cesarean Section …. A neighborhood in Rome

  Colic …………… A sheep dog.

  D&C …………….. Where Washington is.

  Dilate ………….. To live long.

  Genital …………..Non-Jewish person.

  Impotent ………….Distinguished, well known.

  Morbid ……………A higher offer.

  Nitrates ………….Cheaper than day rates.

  Outpatient ………..A person who has fainted.

  Pelvis ……………Second cousin to Elvis.

  Post Operative …….A letter carrier.

  Recovery Room ……..Place to do upholstery.

  Rectum ……………Damn near killed him.

  Seizure …………..Roman emperor.

  Terminal illness …..Getting sick at the airport.

  Tumor …………….One plus one more.

  Urine……………..Opposite of you’re out.

EFFICIENT ONE WORD TELEGRAM

EFFICIENT ONE WORD TELEGRAM

A blonde and a redhead have a ranch.
They have just lost their bull. The women
need to buy another, but only have $500.

The redhead tells the blonde,
“I will go to the market and see
if I can find one for under that
amount. If I can,
I will send you a telegram.”

She goes to the market and
finds one for $499. Having only
one dollar left, she goes to the
telegraph office and finds out that
it costs one dollar per word.

She is stumped on how to tell the blonde
to bring the truck and trailer. Finally,
she tells the telegraph operator to
send the word “comfortable.”

Skeptical, the operator asks,
“How will she know to come with
the trailer from just that word?”

The redhead replies,
“She’s a blonde, she reads slow:

‘Come for ta bull.'”

THE KING’S WEATHER MAN

THE KING’S WEATHER MAN

King’s Weather Man

The king wanted to go fishing, and he asked the royal weather
forecaster the forecast for the next few hours.
The palace meteorologist assured him that there
was no chance of rain. So the king and the queen went fishing.

On the way he met a man with a fishing pole riding on a donkey,
and he asked the man if the fish were biting.

The fisherman said, “Your Majesty, you should return to the palace!
In just a short time I expect a huge rain storm.”

The king replied, “I hold the palace meteorologist in high regard.
He is an educated and experienced professional. Besides,
I pay him very high wages. He gave me a very different forecast.
I trust him.”

So the king continued on his way. However, in a short time a torrential
rain fell from the sky. The king and queen were totally soaked.

Furious, the king returned to the palace and gave the order
to fire the meteorologist. Then he summoned the fisherman
and offered him the prestigious position of royal forecaster.

The fisherman said, “Your Majesty, I do not know anything
about forecasting. I obtain my information from my donkey.
If I see my donkey’s ears drooping, it means with certainty
that it will rain.”

So the king hired the donkey. And thus began the practice
of hiring dumb asses to work in influential positions of government.

The practice is unbroken to this date.

YOU CAN’T RAFFLE OFF A DEAD DONKEY

YOU CAN’T RAFFLE OFF A DEAD DONKEY

A city boy, Kenny, moved to the country and bought a donkey
from an old farmer for $100.
The farmer agreed to deliver the donkey the next day.

The next day the farmer drove up and said,
“Sorry son, but I have some bad news, the donkey died.”

Kenny replied, “Well then, just give me my money back.”

The farmer said, “Can’t do that. I went and spent it already.”

Kenny said, “OK then, at least give me the donkey.”

The farmer asked, “What ya gonna do with him?”

Kenny, “I’m going to raffle him off.”

Farmer, “You can’t raffle off a dead donkey!”

Kenny, “Sure I can. Watch me.
I just won’t tell anybody he is dead.”

A month later the farmer met up with Kenny and asked,
“What happened with that dead donkey?”

Kenny, “I raffled him off. I sold 500 tickets at
two dollars apiece and made a profit of $998.”

Farmer, “Didn’t anyone complain?”

Kenny, “Just the guy who won.
So I gave him his two dollars back.”

Kenny grew up and eventually became
the Chief Financial Officer of ( you name it).

THE WISDOM OF LAST WORDS

THE WISDOM OF LAST WORDS

The wise old Mother Superior was dying.
The nuns gathered around her bed, trying to make her comfortable.
They gave her some warm milk to drink, but she refused it.

Then one nun took the glass back to the kitchen.
Remembering a bottle of whiskey received as a gift the previous Christmas,
she opened it and poured a generous amount into the warm milk.

Back at Mother Superior’s bed, she held the glass to her lips.
Mother drank a little, then a little more, then before they knew it,
she had drunk the whole glass down to the last drop.

“Mother, Mother” the nuns cried, “Give us some wisdom before you die!”

She raised herself up in bed with a pious look on her face
and pointing out the window, she said,

“Don’t sell that cow!”.

RETARDMENT ?

RETARDMENT ?

Hi everybody:  Sorry I’ve been gone from the “Tunnel” but I needed some time to deal with a health issue. Now it’s time to get back to shedding some more light humor into the blogosphere. I hope you enjoy reading this as much as I enjoy producing it for you.  Jim

 

After Christmas, a teacher asked her young pupils how they spent their holiday away from school.

One child wrote the following:

We always used to spend the holidays with Grandma and Grandpa. They used to live in  a big brick house but Grandpa got retarded and they moved  to Florida …Now  they live in a tin box and have rocks painted green to look  like grass. 

They ride around on their bicycles and wear name tags because they don’t know who they are anymore. They go to a building called a wreck center, but they must have got it fixed because it is all okay now, they do exercises there, but they don’t do them very well. There is a swimming pool too, but all they do is jump up and down in it…with hats on. 

At their gate, there is a doll house with a little old man sitting in it. He watches all day so nobody can escape. Sometimes they sneak out, and go cruising in their golf carts. 

Nobody there cooks, they just eat out. And, they eat the same thing every night  — early birds. Some of the people can’t get out past the man in the doll house. The ones who do get out, bring food back to the wrecked center for pot  luck. 

My Grandma says that Grandpa worked all his life to earn his retardment and says I should work hard so I can be retarded someday too. When I earn my retardment, I want to be the man in the doll house. Then I will let people out, so they can visit their grandchildren.

THE BAGPIPPER

THE BAGPIPPER

IT’S BEEN SOME TIME SINCE I LAST ADDED A NEW POST. NOW I NEED TO BEGIN AGAIN WITH MORE HUMOR FOR ME AND FOR ALL OF YOU. THANKS FOR WAITING. JIM

The Bagpiper

I love this story.

Lay down what’s bothering you, breath in
the fresh air and LISTEN to this story.

Time is like a river. You cannot touch
the water twice, because the flow that
has passed will never pass again.
Enjoy every moment of life.

As a bagpiper, I play many gigs. Recently
I was asked by a funeral director to play at
a graveside service for a homeless man.
He had no family or friends, so the service
was to be at a pauper’s cemetery in the
Nova Scotia back country.

As I was not familiar with the backwoods,
I got lost and, being a typical man,
I didn’t stop for directions.

I finally arrived an hour late and saw the
funeral guy had evidently gone and the
hearse was nowhere in sight. There were only
the diggers and crew left and they were eating lunch.
I felt badly and apologized to the men for being late.

I went to the side of the grave and looked down
and the vault lid was already in place. I didn’t know
what else to do, so I started to play. The workers
put down their lunches and began to gather around.
I played out my heart and soul for this man with
no family and friends. I played like I’ve never
played before for this homeless man.

And as I played “Amazing Grace”,
the workers began to weep. They wept,
I wept, we all wept together. When I finished,
I packed up my bagpipes and started for my car.
Though my head was hung low, my heart was full.

As I opened the door to my car, I heard one of the
workers say, “I never seen anything like that before,
and I’ve been putting in septic tanks for twenty years.”

Apparently, I’m still lost….it’s a man thing.

Read More Read More

UP,UP AND AWAY

UP,UP AND AWAY

A man in a hot air balloon realized he was lost.
He reduced altitude and spotted a woman below.
He descended a bit more and shouted, “Excuse me,
can you help me? I promised a friend I would meet
him an hour ago, but I don’t know where I am.”

The woman below replied, “You’re in a hot air balloon
hovering approximately 30 feet above the ground.
You’re between 40 and 41 degrees north latitude
and between 9 and 60 degrees west longitude.

“You must be in Information Technology,” said the balloonist.
“I am,” replied the woman, “How did you know?”

“Well,” answered the balloonist, “everything you told
me is, technically correct, but I’ve no idea what to make
of your information, and the fact is I’m still lost.
Frankly, you’ve not been much help at all. If anything,
you’ve delayed my trip.”

The woman below responded, “You must be in Management.”

“I am,” replied the balloonist, “but how did you know?”

“Well,” said the woman, “you don’t know where you are or
where you’re going. You have risen to where you are,
due to a large quantity of hot air. You made a promise,
which you’ve no idea how to keep, and you expect people
beneath you to solve your problems. The fact is you are
in exactly the same position you were in before we met,
but now, somehow, it’s my fault.”