THE BAGPIPPER

THE BAGPIPPER

IT’S BEEN SOME TIME SINCE I LAST ADDED A NEW POST. NOW I NEED TO BEGIN AGAIN WITH MORE HUMOR FOR ME AND FOR ALL OF YOU. THANKS FOR WAITING. JIM

The Bagpiper

I love this story.

Lay down what’s bothering you, breath in
the fresh air and LISTEN to this story.

Time is like a river. You cannot touch
the water twice, because the flow that
has passed will never pass again.
Enjoy every moment of life.

As a bagpiper, I play many gigs. Recently
I was asked by a funeral director to play at
a graveside service for a homeless man.
He had no family or friends, so the service
was to be at a pauper’s cemetery in the
Nova Scotia back country.

As I was not familiar with the backwoods,
I got lost and, being a typical man,
I didn’t stop for directions.

I finally arrived an hour late and saw the
funeral guy had evidently gone and the
hearse was nowhere in sight. There were only
the diggers and crew left and they were eating lunch.
I felt badly and apologized to the men for being late.

I went to the side of the grave and looked down
and the vault lid was already in place. I didn’t know
what else to do, so I started to play. The workers
put down their lunches and began to gather around.
I played out my heart and soul for this man with
no family and friends. I played like I’ve never
played before for this homeless man.

And as I played “Amazing Grace”,
the workers began to weep. They wept,
I wept, we all wept together. When I finished,
I packed up my bagpipes and started for my car.
Though my head was hung low, my heart was full.

As I opened the door to my car, I heard one of the
workers say, “I never seen anything like that before,
and I’ve been putting in septic tanks for twenty years.”

Apparently, I’m still lost….it’s a man thing.

Read More Read More

UP,UP AND AWAY

UP,UP AND AWAY

A man in a hot air balloon realized he was lost.
He reduced altitude and spotted a woman below.
He descended a bit more and shouted, “Excuse me,
can you help me? I promised a friend I would meet
him an hour ago, but I don’t know where I am.”

The woman below replied, “You’re in a hot air balloon
hovering approximately 30 feet above the ground.
You’re between 40 and 41 degrees north latitude
and between 9 and 60 degrees west longitude.

“You must be in Information Technology,” said the balloonist.
“I am,” replied the woman, “How did you know?”

“Well,” answered the balloonist, “everything you told
me is, technically correct, but I’ve no idea what to make
of your information, and the fact is I’m still lost.
Frankly, you’ve not been much help at all. If anything,
you’ve delayed my trip.”

The woman below responded, “You must be in Management.”

“I am,” replied the balloonist, “but how did you know?”

“Well,” said the woman, “you don’t know where you are or
where you’re going. You have risen to where you are,
due to a large quantity of hot air. You made a promise,
which you’ve no idea how to keep, and you expect people
beneath you to solve your problems. The fact is you are
in exactly the same position you were in before we met,
but now, somehow, it’s my fault.”

RELIGIOUS DOCTRINE AND SQUIRRELLY INFESTATION

RELIGIOUS DOCTRINE AND SQUIRRELLY INFESTATION

Wild life, especially squirrels, can sometimes be a problem in our “civilized” world. Here are some examples of how different religious groups have dealt with this problem.

 

The Presbyterian Church called a meeting
to decide what to do about their squirrels.
After much prayer and consideration, they
concluded the squirrels were predestined
to be there and they shouldn’t interfere with
God’s divine will.

At the Baptist Church the squirrels had
taken an interest in the baptistery.
The deacons met and decided to put a
water slide on the baptistery and let the
squirrels drown themselves. The squirrels
liked the slide and, unfortunately, knew
instinctively how to swim so twice as many
squirrels showed up the following week.

The Methodist Church decided that they
were not in a position to harm any of God’s
creatures. So, they humanely trapped their
squirrels and set them free near the Baptist Church.
Two weeks later the squirrels were back when
the Baptists took down the water slide.

But the Catholic Church came up with a very
creative strategy. They baptized all the squirrels
and consecrated them as members of the church.
Now they only see them on Christmas and Easter.

Not much was heard from the Jewish Synagogue;
they took the first squirrel and circumcised him.
They haven’t seen a squirrel since.

 

 

IMITATION IS THE SINCEREST FORM OF FLATTERY

IMITATION IS THE SINCEREST FORM OF FLATTERY

Shown below is an actual letter that was sent to a bank by an 86 year old woman. The bank manager thought it  amusing enough to have it published.

 

Dear Sir:

I am writing to thank you for bouncing my check with which I endeavored
to pay my plumber last month. By my calculations, three nanosecond
must have elapsed between his presenting the check and the arrival
in my account of the funds needed to honor it. I refer, of course,
to the automatic monthly deposit of my entire pension, an arrangement
which, I admit, has been in place for only eight years.

You are to be commended for seizing that brief window of opportunity,
and also for debiting my account $30 by way of penalty for the
inconvenience caused to your bank.

My thankfulness springs from the manner in which this incident has
caused me to rethink my errant financial ways. I noticed that whereas I
personally answer your telephone calls and letters, — when I try to
contact you, I am confronted by the impersonal, overcharging,
pre-recorded, faceless entity which your bank has become.

From now on, I, like you, choose only to deal with a flesh-and-blood
person.

My mortgage and loan repayments will therefore and hereafter no longer
be automatic, but will arrive at your bank, by check, addressed
personally and confidentially to an employee at your bank whom you must
nominate.

Be aware that it is an OFFENSE under the Postal Act for any other
person to open such an envelope. Please find attached an Application
Contact which I require your chosen employee to complete.

I am sorry it runs to eight pages, but in order that I know as much
about him or her as your bank knows about me, there is no alternative.

Please note that all copies of his or her medical history must be
countersigned by a Notary Public, and the mandatory details of his/her
financial situation (income, debts, assets and liabilities) must be
accompanied by documented proof.

In due course, at MY convenience, I will issue your employee with a PIN
number which he/she must quote in dealings with me.

I regret that it cannot be shorter than 28 digits but, again, I have
modeled it on the number of button presses required of me to access my
account balance on your phone bank service.

As they say, imitation is the sincerest form of flattery. Let me level
the playing field even further. When you call me, press buttons as
follows:

IMMEDIATELY AFTER DIALING,
PRESS THE STAR (*) BUTTON FOR ENGLISH

#1. To make an appointment to see me
#2. To query a missing payment.
#3. To transfer the call to my living room in case I am there.
#4 To transfer the call to my bedroom in case I am sleeping.
#5. To transfer the call to my toilet in case I am attending to nature.
#6. To transfer the call to my mobile phone if I am not at home.
#7. To leave a message on my computer, a password to access my computer
is required. Password will be communicated to you at a later date
to that Authorized Contact mentioned earlier.
#8. To return to the main menu and to listen to options 1 through
#9. To make a general complaint or inquiry. The contact will then
be put on hold, pending the attention of my automated
answering service.
#10. This is a second reminder to press * for English.

While this may, on occasion, involve a lengthy wait, uplifting music
will play for the duration of the call. Regrettably, but again following
your example, I must also levy an establishment fee to cover the
setting up of this new arrangement.

May I wish you a happy, if ever so slightly less prosperous New Year?
Your Humble Client.  And remember: Don’t make old people mad.
We don’t like being old in the first place, so it doesn’t take much
to piss us off.
Francis

BAKERY BLACK

BAKERY BLACK

Grandpa Cass continues to be the fixer upper man of Elk Rapids,  Michigan in the 1930’s and 40’s.  Here is another story from the many I shared with my grown children in 2012 in a daylong video session I called Conversations with Dad.   I hope this will help you recall some of those great events in your past.  Enjoy !

 

WHO WAS MR. GORSKY ?

WHO WAS MR. GORSKY ?

In case you don’t already known this little piece of recent history, enjoy.

On July 20, 1969, as commander of the Apollo 11 lunar module,
Neil Armstrong was the first person to set foot on the moon.
His first words after stepping on the moon,”That’s one small step
for man, one giant leap for mankind,” were televised to earth and
heard by millions. But, just before he re-entered the lander,
he made the enigmatic remark, “Good luck, Mr. Gorsky.”

Many people at NASA thought it was a casual remark concerning
some rival Soviet cosmonaut. However, upon checking, there was
no Gorsky in either the Russian or American space programs
.
Over the years, many people questioned Armstrong as to what
the ‘good luck, Mr. Gorsky’ statement meant,
but Armstrong always just smiled.

On July 5, 1995, in Tampa Bay, Florida, while answering
questions following a speech, a reporter brought up the
26-year-old question about Mr.Gorsky and this time he finally
responded because his Mr. Gorsky had just died, so Neil
Armstrong felt he could now answer the question.

 Here is the answer.

“Who was Mr. Gorsky?” In 1938, when he was a kid in
Wapakoneta, OH, he was playing baseball with a friend
in the backyard. His friend hit the ball which landed in his
neighbor’s yard by their bedroom window. His neighbors
were Mr. and Mrs. Gorsky. As he leaned down to pick up
the ball, young Armstrong heard Mrs. Gorsky shouting at
Mr. Gorsky,
“Sex! you want sex?! You’ll get sex when the kid next door
walks on the moon!”

It broke the place up.

Neil Armstrong’s family confirmed that this is a true story.

 

 

 

 

IMPORTANT DECISION

IMPORTANT DECISION

.

A man wakes up in the hospital bandaged from head to foot.

The doctor comes in and says,
“Ah, I see you’ve regained consciousness.
Now you probably won’t remember,
but you were in a huge pile-up on the freeway.
You’re going to be ok, you’ll walk again and
everything, but your penis was severed in
the accident and we couldn’t find it.”

The man groans, but the doctor goes on,
“You have some insurance compensation coming
and we now have the technology to build a new penis.
They work great but they don’t come cheap.
It’s roughly $2,000 an inch.”

The man perks up.

“So,” the doctor says,
“You must decide how many inches you want.
But I understand that you have been married
for over thirty years and this is something you
should discuss with your wife. If you had a five
incher before and get a nine incher now she
might be a bit put out. If you had a nine incher
before and you decide to only invest in a five
incher now, she might be disappointed. It’s important
that she plays a role in helping you make a decision.”

The man agrees to talk it over with his wife.

The doctor comes back the next day,.
So, have you spoken with your wife?”

“Yes I have,” says the man.

“And has she helped you make a decision?”

“Yes” says the man.

“What is your decision?” asks the doctor.

“We’re getting granite countertops for the kitchen.”

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