BAKERY BLACK

BAKERY BLACK

Grandpa Cass continues to be the fixer upper man of Elk Rapids,  Michigan in the 1930’s and 40’s.  Here is another story from the many I shared with my grown children in 2012 in a daylong video session I called Conversations with Dad.   I hope this will help you recall some of those great events in your past.  Enjoy !

 

WHO WAS MR. GORSKY ?

WHO WAS MR. GORSKY ?

In case you don’t already known this little piece of recent history, enjoy.

On July 20, 1969, as commander of the Apollo 11 lunar module,
Neil Armstrong was the first person to set foot on the moon.
His first words after stepping on the moon,”That’s one small step
for man, one giant leap for mankind,” were televised to earth and
heard by millions. But, just before he re-entered the lander,
he made the enigmatic remark, “Good luck, Mr. Gorsky.”

Many people at NASA thought it was a casual remark concerning
some rival Soviet cosmonaut. However, upon checking, there was
no Gorsky in either the Russian or American space programs
.
Over the years, many people questioned Armstrong as to what
the ‘good luck, Mr. Gorsky’ statement meant,
but Armstrong always just smiled.

On July 5, 1995, in Tampa Bay, Florida, while answering
questions following a speech, a reporter brought up the
26-year-old question about Mr.Gorsky and this time he finally
responded because his Mr. Gorsky had just died, so Neil
Armstrong felt he could now answer the question.

 Here is the answer.

“Who was Mr. Gorsky?” In 1938, when he was a kid in
Wapakoneta, OH, he was playing baseball with a friend
in the backyard. His friend hit the ball which landed in his
neighbor’s yard by their bedroom window. His neighbors
were Mr. and Mrs. Gorsky. As he leaned down to pick up
the ball, young Armstrong heard Mrs. Gorsky shouting at
Mr. Gorsky,
“Sex! you want sex?! You’ll get sex when the kid next door
walks on the moon!”

It broke the place up.

Neil Armstrong’s family confirmed that this is a true story.

 

 

 

 

IMPORTANT DECISION

IMPORTANT DECISION

.

A man wakes up in the hospital bandaged from head to foot.

The doctor comes in and says,
“Ah, I see you’ve regained consciousness.
Now you probably won’t remember,
but you were in a huge pile-up on the freeway.
You’re going to be ok, you’ll walk again and
everything, but your penis was severed in
the accident and we couldn’t find it.”

The man groans, but the doctor goes on,
“You have some insurance compensation coming
and we now have the technology to build a new penis.
They work great but they don’t come cheap.
It’s roughly $2,000 an inch.”

The man perks up.

“So,” the doctor says,
“You must decide how many inches you want.
But I understand that you have been married
for over thirty years and this is something you
should discuss with your wife. If you had a five
incher before and get a nine incher now she
might be a bit put out. If you had a nine incher
before and you decide to only invest in a five
incher now, she might be disappointed. It’s important
that she plays a role in helping you make a decision.”

The man agrees to talk it over with his wife.

The doctor comes back the next day,.
So, have you spoken with your wife?”

“Yes I have,” says the man.

“And has she helped you make a decision?”

“Yes” says the man.

“What is your decision?” asks the doctor.

“We’re getting granite countertops for the kitchen.”

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SMART COWBOY

SMART COWBOY

A  cowboy named Bud was overseeing his herd in a remote
mountainous  pasture in California when suddenly a brand-new
BMW advanced toward  him out of a cloud of dust.

The driver, a young man in a Brioni suit, Gucci shoes,
Ray Ban sunglasses and YSL tie, leaned out the window|
and asked the cowboy, “If I tell you exactly how many cows
and calves you have in your herd, Will you give me a calf?”

Bud looks at the man, obviously a yuppie, then looks at
his peacefully grazing herd and calmly answers,
“Sure, Why not?”

The yuppie parks his car, whips out his Dell® notebook
computer, connects it to his Cingular RAZR V3 cell phone,
and surfs to a NASA page on the Internet, where he calls up
a GPS satellite to get an exact fix on his location which he
then feeds to another NASA satellite that scans the area
in an ultra-high-resolution photo.

The young man then opens the digital photo in Adobe
Photoshop and exports it to an image processing facility
in Hamburg, Germany . Within seconds , he receives an
email on his Palm Pilot that the image has been processed
and the data stored. He then accesses an MS-SQL database
through an ODBC connected Excel spreadsheet with email on
his Blackberry and, after a few minutes, receives a response.

Finally, he prints out a full-color, 150-page report on his hi-tech,
miniaturized HP LaserJet printer, turns to the cowboy and says,
“You have exactly 1,586 animals here.”

“Well, you are exactly correct” replies Bud.

He watches the young man select one and looks on with
amusement as the young man stuffs it into the trunk of his BMW.

Then Bud says to the young man, “Hey, if I can tell you exactly
what your business is, will you give the animal back to me?”

The young man thinks about it for a second and then says,
Okay, why not?”

“You’re a United States Congressman”, says Bud.

“Wow! That’s correct,” says the yuppie,
“but how did you guess that?”

“No guessing required.” answered the cowboy. “You showed
up here even though nobody called you; you want to get paid
for an answer I already knew, to a question I never asked. You
used millions of dollars worth of equipment trying to show me
how much smarter than me you are; and you don’t know a thing
about how working people make a living or about cows, for that matter.

This is a herd of sheep.

Now give me back my dog.

DIALECTICAL DEFINITION

DIALECTICAL DEFINITION

Two hillbillies walk into a restaurant.
While having a bite to eat,
they talk about their moonshine operation.

Suddenly, a woman at a nearby table,
who is eating a sandwich, begins to cough.
After a minute or so, it becomes apparent
that she is in real distress.

One of the hillbillies looks at her and says,
Kin ya swallar?’
The woman shakes her head no.

Then he asks, ‘Kin ya breathe?’
The woman begins to turn blue,
and shakes her head no.

The hillbilly walks over to the woman,
lifts up her dress, yanks down her drawers
and quickly gives her right butt cheek a lick with his tongue.

The woman is so shocked that she has a violent spasm,
and the obstruction flies out of her mouth.

As she begins to breathe again, the Hillbilly walks
slowly back to his table.

His partner says, ‘Ya know, I’d heerd of that there
‘Hind Lick Maneuver’ but I never seed nobody done it.

THE BAGPIPER

THE BAGPIPER

As a bagpiper, I play many gigs. Recently I was asked by a funeral director
to play at a graveside service for a homeless man. He had no family or friends,
so the service was to be at a pauper’s cemetery in the Nova Scotia back country.

As I was not familiar with the backwoods, I got lost and,
being a typical man, I didn’t stop for directions.

I finally arrived an hour late and saw the funeral guy had evidently gone
and the hearse was nowhere in sight.  There were only the diggers and crew
left and they were eating lunch. I felt badly and apologized to the men for being late.

I went to the side of the grave and looked down and the vault lid was already in place.
I didn’t know what else to do, so I started to play.  The workers put down their lunches
and began to gather around.  I played out my heart and soul for this man with no family and friends.
I played like I’ve never played before for this homeless man.

And as I played “Amazing Grace”, the workers began to weep.
They wept, I wept, we all wept together.
When I finished, I packed up my bagpipes and started for my car.
Though my head was hung low, my heart was full.

As I opened the door to my car, I heard one of the workers say,
“I never seen anything like that before,
and I’ve been putting in septic tanks for twenty years.”

Next time I’ll forego the ‘man thing’ and ask directions.